Happily Married?

Truth is:  I'm not happily married.  Nobody is...oh, the newlyweds probably are, at least, for the first five years or so.  But, I'm on the plateau of marriage.  I'm on the precipice of decision.  Do I swim?  Or just get out of the muddy water?

I can't hardly stand my significant other (we'll call him "Dirty Money").  He's selfish, ignorant, bullish, argumentative and more.  He knows just how to get under my skin and how to stay there.  He's on my shit list at least once a day.

Dirty Money is an expert on irritation.  He leaves dirty socks under his side of the bed, he snores, he nags, he chews with his mouth open, leaves his dirty dishes in the sink, etc.  He's unrefined,  and while intelligent, has no formal (college) education.  He works too much.  Takes his family for granted.  He's more strict on our girls than I could ever think about being.  Our politics differ.  He argues with me about EVERYTHING.  He's a saver, & I am very much a spender.  We are complete opposites.  Sometimes I feel like I'm a convenience to him than a wife.

I've honestly contemplated divorce.  Five times in 2011, I considered the Big D.  The reasons why may seem small to y'all, but they're mountains to me.  Recently, I found an unused condom in my dryer (in his laundry, which gets washed separately).  This one event tormented me for weeks.  No, I didn't leave.  That I didn't walk out may baffle some folks.  I just can't do it.

Honestly, how could I leave?  With Dirty Money, I've found the half to my whole, the butter to my biscuit, the one person who completes me.  He takes me at my worst, and keeps coming back.  I can be a bitch, and when I am, he just shakes his head and tries to hold me.  I get restless, and he just helps me lace up my Asics.  I need space, and I swear, he saddles my horse for me.  He understands me,  understands what drives me & shares my dreams.  He supports my decisions, and gets excited about them too!

Most importantly, after more than a decade together, he still "butters my biscuits".  Quite often actually.  And he has the BEST butter! 

On second thought, I quite enjoy languishing in this muddy water.  After all, it reminds me of a special place.  A place that goes straight to my heart.  This muddy water reminds me of home, and all dirt roads lead home.  Eventually.