Happily Married?

Truth is:  I'm not happily married.  Nobody is...oh, the newlyweds probably are, at least, for the first five years or so.  But, I'm on the plateau of marriage.  I'm on the precipice of decision.  Do I swim?  Or just get out of the muddy water?

I can't hardly stand my significant other (we'll call him "Dirty Money").  He's selfish, ignorant, bullish, argumentative and more.  He knows just how to get under my skin and how to stay there.  He's on my shit list at least once a day.

Dirty Money is an expert on irritation.  He leaves dirty socks under his side of the bed, he snores, he nags, he chews with his mouth open, leaves his dirty dishes in the sink, etc.  He's unrefined,  and while intelligent, has no formal (college) education.  He works too much.  Takes his family for granted.  He's more strict on our girls than I could ever think about being.  Our politics differ.  He argues with me about EVERYTHING.  He's a saver, & I am very much a spender.  We are complete opposites.  Sometimes I feel like I'm a convenience to him than a wife.

I've honestly contemplated divorce.  Five times in 2011, I considered the Big D.  The reasons why may seem small to y'all, but they're mountains to me.  Recently, I found an unused condom in my dryer (in his laundry, which gets washed separately).  This one event tormented me for weeks.  No, I didn't leave.  That I didn't walk out may baffle some folks.  I just can't do it.

Honestly, how could I leave?  With Dirty Money, I've found the half to my whole, the butter to my biscuit, the one person who completes me.  He takes me at my worst, and keeps coming back.  I can be a bitch, and when I am, he just shakes his head and tries to hold me.  I get restless, and he just helps me lace up my Asics.  I need space, and I swear, he saddles my horse for me.  He understands me,  understands what drives me & shares my dreams.  He supports my decisions, and gets excited about them too!

Most importantly, after more than a decade together, he still "butters my biscuits".  Quite often actually.  And he has the BEST butter! 

On second thought, I quite enjoy languishing in this muddy water.  After all, it reminds me of a special place.  A place that goes straight to my heart.  This muddy water reminds me of home, and all dirt roads lead home.  Eventually.

Who Am I?

As women, we've all been guilty of it at one time.  There is not one of us that can honestly say we've never craved a man's attention.  Well, just because we want that X chromosome attention, doesn't mean we obsess about a guy.  Whatever happened to 'real' men?  You know, the ones that were honest, knew how to treat a woman, & didn't play games?  I thought I had one of those elusive mens.  Hell, I even married him.  Turns out, he wasn't the Prince Charming I thought he was...
 
Now, maybe some of y'all women have had the same thing happen.  You've been knocked back by finding a condom in the dryer, or, maybe some scandalous texts on your man's phone.  Maybe that dumbass smacked you around, which, if he did, you really should put a bullet in his tail and say 'Goodbye Earl', maybe he spent all the money on a ginormous 92" plasma LCD screen tv.

So, what do we women do, when blindsided by the blunt truth?  Do we seek retribution?  Revenge?

Maybe.  I don't have the answers, but that's okay, cause I still have a little bit of dirt road left in me, & I know how to handle my business.  I also am not gonna let some Grade A, man-whore, wishes he was thinner and better looking, sumbitch of a man break me down.  Ever.  For, I, am an independent woman. I know what I want & how to get it too. I'm the girl y'alls Mommas warned you about. Never underestimate me or take me for granted.  I can take the shit you shovel, and pile it back on you.  Be sure that whatever you do unto me, I will retaliate 10 times worse.  I'll make ya scream for the Momma that warned you about me.  Yes, I have flaws.  I'm not perfect, & I wouldn't want to be.  What I am is me, pure & simple.  And, I, am a strong mothafuckin woman.  Swallow that